in all truth, march is a month that is hard on my heart. some things always hurt to remember, but the dagger cuts a little deeper in march. i've experienced a tremendous amount of loss in march. the air is on the verge of the massive change of spring and everything; flowers, grass, newborn animals, ideas, adventures, they are bursting at the seams to blossom into what they have always known they could be.
i am right there with them.
several days ago we said love ya later (something he would always say) to an animated man with an infectious smile. my great uncle had a love for not only telling stories, but crafting up the most colorful and unbelievable adventures. i grew up with the firm belief he would out live everyone else in our family; he would be the keith richards of our zany clan. my dad spent his childhood getting into mischief alongside him thinking he was his big brother, as he was only three years older. his spirit was so bold, it could not be contained and will no doubt live on in all of us who had the gift of knowing him.
then, last thursday marked 7 years since my sister passed. it is a hurt that doesn't heal. i don't think any anniversary of it has ever been "easy". every year after the first anniversary has sort of went back and forth on how i feel or how i deal. some years i don't want to talk about it. some years i want to do all of her favorite things while eating her favorite foods and write her novelesque letters and sing loudly to hanson songs in my car with the windows rolled down, knowing she is here with me, still.
and it is as clear as day to me that she sent us sookie.
a few weekends ago i learned a lot of wow worthy information in the span of about an hour. it was big stuff, is it big stuff pertaining to extended family members and the intricate web we are all a part of. it was a huge wake up call of the world saying, "hello, tahnie. pay attention. this is your life. right now. this is not a dress rehearsal and real life is always, always, always much more unbelievable than fiction." days after this, i decided i was brave enough to rock floral leggings as i ventured to a fire station tour with our honey girl. really, two simple things but a reminder life begins out of your comfort zone and that sometimes little dreams like taking your girl on a tour of the fire station, are just as massive and important as the big dreams.
this time of year always has every corner of my mind whirring with possibility. easter, florals, the festival of colors (although we didn't make it this year...dang it!), my favorite utah venue on the verge of releasing their entire concert line up for the summer, mother's day, dreaming and planning of summer. dwelling on this gift of being alive, exactly where i am. not wanting to waste the power i feel comes with that. because in all honesty, my health could be a lot worse. i recognize how remarkable it is i have my sight. what a tremendous triumph it is that i have one working kidney. i want to do more with what i have, make sure i am leaving sprinkles of a legacy that means something.